First there was SARS, then there was bird flu, now there is swine flu. For those of us a little scared, we’re running around wearing mask and avoiding pork. The World Health Organisation has recommended we start stockpiling food. George Orwell’s Animal Farm has warned us for years. Why not face the apocalypse in style? After all, it’s not the hellmouth.

Tips for survival, derived from the great wisdom of pop culture:

1. Learn how to manufacture weapons from a variety of household goods. Cricket bats. Old records. Tennis rackets. So when the mutant zombie pigs come to your town, you’ll know how to get rid of them.

2. Stockpile food. But the sort of food you like to eat, not lentils in a can. We recommend a year’s supply of crunchy M&Ms.

3. Trust no one. Pigs are everywhere, they’re just dressed in trench-coats.

4. Move all your gaming consoles into the bomb shelter. Who wants to be stuck in a bomb shelter with only Grandpa’s war stories for company?

5. Wear a mask. But not one of those silly surgical masks. Draw from your favorite mask films: Friday the 13th, Scream, Eyes Wide Shut and The Mask.

6. Take a cue from Buffy. ‘If the apocalypse comes, beep me.’ Then you won’t have to sit around waiting for it.

7. If pigs mutate into giant pigs and climb to the top of the empire state building, their weaknesses are always a) young, scantily clad women and b) young, scantily clad women

8. If stuck in a perilous situation facing a zombie pig with only a piece of tinfoil and a chocolate bar, ask yourself, ‘What would MacGyver do?’

9. If worst comes to worst, and you need to move out quickly, do so with the instructions laid out by John Carpenter. He’s escaped from LA and NY.

10. Move to Mexico. Lightning never strikes the same place twice. Plus the tequila’s cheap.

by Kat Clay B. Vamp (Hunting), MA (Cosmic Horror)